Your post made my inner child cry and then tie a firecracker to a cat's tail
people say, Guy Namechanger gon' say del go up if y'saw
which one of you fools demanded this?
PLEASE tell me it's not live-action.
(Then again, considering the mess CN made with both "The Powerpuff
Girls Movie" (especially the way it was released on DVD - in Pan &
Scan and with no commentaries) and "ATHF Colon Movie Film For
Theaters", could a live-action EE&E be that much worse?)
however, the live-action Scooby Doo they did last month was much better
than
the two theatrical LASDs.
The same gelantinous tapeworms that DEMANDED these...
Several years ago, Marvel started on its quest for world domination
by
vowing to release one, two or more Marvel superhero movies a year.
Seems like a natural progression, since comic books translate pretty
well into summer blockbusters. Recently, Hasbro has teamed up with
Universal to churn out at least four, though probably more movies
based on board games. Yes, fucking board games.
You may have heard something about this, but to give you the heads
up,
so we don't have to repeat this information, here's a quick roundup
of
the toy and board game movies on the table for the next year or more,
because a quick roundup is all that this deserves.
Monopoly
This one you probably figured was an inevitability at some point,
what
with the huge amount of Monopoly board game varieties and the annual
McDonald's Monopoly game. You've got Mr. Moneybags, some pewter game
pieces and a bunch of property. Can you really make a movie about
that? Ridley Scott's going to try. Yes, read that again. I said
Ridley
Scott will be directing the Monopoly movie. I already want to put my
head in an oven and never come out again.
Clue
I say "What the hell was wrong with the original Clue movie?" I
fucking love that movie. Sure, it was a complete flop and was panned
by a lot of people, but those people just don't understand. I don't
even want to think about a new Clue movie right now. But it's gonna
happen, and it'll be directed by Gore Verbinski.
Battleship
At least Battleship has some action going for it, and I could see a
good deal of comic possibilities of a naval war movie in which each
side is just guessing randomly where the other is at, but that
probably won't be the case. Peter Berg is in talks to direct.
Ouija Board
Even less exciting than the idea of a piece of printed cardboard that
supposedly talks to the dead is a movie about said worthless piece of
printed cardboard. The studio is billing the project as a
supernatural action-adventure movie and hints that the plot may
involve some of those supposed Ouija board rules that gave you goose
bumps back in elementary school: never use it alone, never use it in
a
graveyard, always say goodbye at the end of a Ouija session. Fan-
fuck-
tastic.
Stretch Armstrong
Not a board game, just a shitty toy from the 90s, at least Stretch
Armstrong is a character that can have an awful story built around
him. Like the ability to suck himself off whenever he wants, all
while
rescuing cats from trees. It's being written by Brian Grazer, who
wrote Bruce Almighty and will be out in spring of 2011.
ViewMaster
Yes, a god damn movie about the red retro slideshow toy. Worst
framerate in a movie ever. Yeah, that joke's lame, but so is a
ViewMaster movie.
Risk
Okay, so at least war and conquering does for a good movie make. But
Risk? Maybe. It probably won't be good, but it might be one of the
more palatable ones on the list. As if you were drugged and tied to a
chair in some terrorist lair and they were showing you this movie for
torture, it would take longer for you to finally break down and talk
as oppposed to say, a Ouija Board movie.
Candy Land
Toddler kiddie shit. If you watch this movie and you're not doing it
just for the benefit of the 4 tabs of acid you just took, I'm never
talking to you again.
Magic: The Gathering
I like MTG. I played it in high school and I play it now on the 360.
Shit, it's my favorite 360 game to play while I'm scheduling articles
for IHC. But that doesn't mean I think it'll be a good movie. At all.
The fun with MTG is the incredible artwork on the cards and the
strategy. I could give two shits about seeing the storyline behind
the
elves and the artifacts and dragons. I just want them to kick ass
when
I need them to.